By Binney Wietlisbach, President of Haverford Trust
Negotiation is a word often associated with negative feelings for many women.
60% of women say that they’ve never negotiated with an employer about their salary, and yet 72% would leave an employer to get a raise somewhere else.[1] While workplace negotiations are the most obvious and well-studied, we negotiate every day. For example, we’re negotiating when deciding what to have for dinner with our family or when making decisions about where to live and what to buy.
Oftentimes we may feel it’s easier to avoid negotiation and accept what we’re given. But when we avoid negotiation, we undervalue our needs and the importance of making our voice heard.
Inherently, there is risk with negotiating. You could walk away empty handed! However, there are intangible lessons learned through negotiating and advocating for yourself that make it a must for women of all ages to practice both in work and in life.
Negotiating Is Really About Communicating
A key piece of negotiating is communication and listening to the other party involved. Negotiating often requires an open mind and flexibility to reach a deal that’s mutually beneficial. These skills translate to all parts of our lives, especially in our relationships.
One thing I’ve learned as a mother is that negotiating doesn’t just happen at work or when buying a car. You negotiate every day with your family and friends.
When my daughter was about two and a half years old, I would lay out her clothes for daycare the night before. One night, I had selected a gray outfit for her but when I picked her up from daycare the next day, she was wearing something completely different.
That Saturday, I asked her again to wear the gray outfit and she threw it on the floor while telling me, “Gray is not my color.” I just had to laugh and concede rather than pushing back, even though I thought gray looked lovely on her.
The ability to listen to others and understand their points of view will help you know when to assert yourself in a negotiation and when to walk away – and will help you build stronger relationships with the people you love. As you become more comfortable as a negotiator, your relationships will flourish.
Don’t Be Afraid to Make Your Voice Heard
Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to ask for what you want. We’ve all been in situations when we were afraid to speak up or to hold our ground. This is especially true in professional settings.
A Harvard study found that women were more relieved after having their first offer accepted in an employment negotiation than when they experienced the negotiation process. Men were the opposite, feeling more relieved after experiencing a negotiation.[2]
Early in my career, I was working for a bank that asked me to take over a branch that had experienced a damaging incident. I accepted and worked hard to rebuild the branch, and it paid off – my employer asked me to stay there permanently. My first thought was “I need a raise.”
Soon after, I was invited to lunch with an executive to discuss the offer. He came right out and said the bank would need to increase my compensation. While I was certainly happy to be having this conversation, I was out of my element and didn’t know what my first move should be, so I remained quiet. To my relief, he made the first offer, and it was more than I would have asked for, so I quickly accepted.
I’m glad that I waited for his offer, but the experience helped me realize that my compensation needs were just as valid as the bank’s need to keep me in that position. If I had proposed something I felt I deserved, the conversation might have led to an even better outcome.
When negotiating, you must break habits of passivity to get what you want or what you need. In all facets of your life, your voice matters. Negotiating is a powerful tool to help you find your voice and become your biggest advocate.
Negotiating can change your career and your life. As I’ve learned over the years, the times when you don’t use your voice are the ones you will regret the most.
In our February 8, 2022 program, acclaimed researcher and author Leigh Thompson will share principles and tactics for successful negotiations that I know will boost your confidence when the next opportunity to negotiate comes your way. Remember that we are all given a voice. Use it.
Preparation Is Key
Before heading into your next negotiation, it’s important to reflect on past experiences to help you prepare to enter the discussion with confidence and positivity. The following questions can help you assess your relationship with negotiating and uncover hurdles to focus on conquering to make sure your voice is heard.
- Think of a time when you were negotiating with someone and did not achieve your desired outcome. What could you have done differently to better assert your needs?
- Have you ever avoided a negotiation and instead accepted the first offer? Why did you choose not to negotiate in that scenario?
- Think back to a time when you negotiated for what you wanted and succeeded. What helped you get the results you desired?
- Were you nervous or anxious the last time you negotiated with someone? How did you overcome those feelings in the moment?
[1] https://www.cnbc.com/2020/01/31/women-more-likely-to-change-jobs-to-get-pay-increase.html
[2] https://gap.hks.harvard.edu/relief-versus-regret-effect-gender-and-negotiating-norm-ambiguity-reactions-having-one%E2%80%99s-first-offer
